How many of us have some version of this following story lurking in our shadows?  How many of you have felt that tug of yearning for something different?  Who has uttered the words “there must be something more than this?”  These patterns, these questions, are exactly why I discovered the world of tantra and how orgasmic meditation became a tool in my tantric box or goodies.

• waking up to an alarm
• looking at what text messages have already arrived
• falling prey to the notification alerting me to check social media
• grunting a morning sound to a family member, roommate, partner
• silent breakfast preparations side by side
• brushing past a loved one on the way out the door.
• juggling work bag, workout bag, water, coffee, breakfast in an open container, lunch in a closed container, piling everything into the car.
• cursing the clock that is never on my side
• texts shared throughout the day make up the bulk of “connection” with someone
• skipping lunch and driving through for extra coffee instead
• staring at the “to do” list rather working
• choosing the quick dinner
• falling asleep on the couch in front of some sort of screen
• stumbling to bed without self care routines
• starting all over again the next morning, realizing that rest did not rejuvenate mind or body

Realization….again…. that I am stuck.  By allowing my awareness to wane, my attention to scatter, my ego to get into the driver’s seat, I have succumbed to the unconscious momentum of checking masculine things off a list.  Lucky for me, the Universe has a sense of humor and an uncanny ability to reveal Truth at perfect moments.  This intense self-discovery growth journey has been my path for almost 2 years now.  I have learned some things about myself along the way:

I can feel.  

I can feel pain and pleasure in my body.  Even when it feels like pure emotion, I can link it back to a place in my body and actually FEEL it.  And when that happens, the feeling is visceral and palpable. Feeling in this way, makes the journey back to consciousness, or awakening, more direct and real. 

In the early stages of my orgasmic meditation practice, feeling was absent in my physical body.  So I learned to notice what feeling nothing felt like.  It was uncomfortable.  It was sometimes painful.  Painful in the sense that my mind knew I SHOULD feel SOMETHING and my body disagreed.  So I embarked on a journey of coming back into my body, of noticing, even if I noticed numbness.  As my body came back to life, to sensation, of feeling, I began to notice how my body felt in other parts of my life, too.

I remember a moment recently when I threatened to walk out on a conversation.  A heated conversation, but still I threatened to bail, leave, abandon.  And what happens when I realize that I actually throw that pitch out as a fast ball, before someone can leave me?  Well, I felt that moment of realization in my body!  It felt like a hard straight punch, straight in the middle of my belly, leaving me with a heavy aching hurt in my gut. 

This ability to identify the feeling in my body is helping me notice other places when I want to walk away.  Or run away, in my case.  Being able to mark the feeling in my body when I begin to even think this way, is helping me to slowly change my knee-jerk reaction to situations where I find myself feeling alone, or feeling mistrust of a person.  I am learning how to feel and to stay in the spot of feeling all that sensation!  Keeping me tuned into the current situation and making rational informed decisions rather than flying off the handle on pure emotion. 

My tantra coaching and immersions have helped teach me how to notice and nourish my body to allow these feelings and so many more!   Tantra is a weaving of the parts of our life around our sexuality, creating energy to fuel our mind and bodies. 

I can slow down.

In fact, slowing down actually surprises me!  I have this conditioned story that I tell myself that faster is better!  Driving faster will get me to my destination faster…nope.  Talking faster will make someone understand me better…nope.  Moving faster will make the sex better…nope.  Eating faster will make me more efficient…nope. Rushing through chores will make them go away…nope. 

Slowing down brings more awareness to what I am doing.  I can focus and direct my attention to the moment and what I am doing in that particular moment! For example, moving slower as I get ready for the day is making me more conscious about how I move, what I do, how I sound when I speak, and how I receive what is spoken to me. 

I have noticed that slowing down to sit and eat my breakfast from a peaceful place inside the house, with no phone, no car, no stop lights, actually is making me more efficient!  I can do this one thing of nourishing my body and then go to the next thing.  More attention in each place.  And less frantic movement getting into the car trying to carry an open bowl of breakfast has been a welcomed relief! And my tummy is so much happier!

We can attend to so many more details of an experience, a moment, if we can slow down.  Tantra practice of anything is about slowing down enough to put attention and awareness only in the present moment.  I have found a huge relief in letting go of the story that multi-tasking is a desirable tool!

I have desire.   

I want things. 

I can excavate down into my patterns and find these gorgeous gems like:

wanting some attention 

having a desire to connect with a friend in person   

wanting my coffee in just a certain specific way   

listening to a certain style of music when I run

finding that I want to connect with my parents

scheduling times to chat with daughters all of us together

I like sharing things with my coach every few days

I am learning that these wants, these desires, are not a sign of being selfish, but a way of finding my power.  Knowing what creates electricity in my thoughts, my mind, my body, creates the energy that turns a person on!  Noticing and sharing desires are a way of letting the Universe feel that power and in turn, I create places for me to have these blissful things in my life! 

Interestingly, the more specific and detailed a desire is stated, then there is more power to be found in the delivery.  In other words, your chances of being totally fulfilled and turned on  are higher when you know exactly what the desire should feel, sound, taste, look, sound like!

I am reminded of a scenario that many of us can recall at some point in our lives.  The date.  “Would you like to go out to dinner?”  That has always sounded like music to my ears!  With some awareness sprinkled in, I can now say how I want to go, when I want to go, what kind of setting and food I prefer, and I can suggest even more specific things about the container of this date!  For example, we recently had a date where no phones were used, not even for taking a picture.  I love the feeling of knowing and speaking my desires.  It definitely beats sitting back and responding with, “I don’t know, what do you want to eat?”

Desire-based living creates the energy to propel our bodies and minds into a higher vibrational state of being.  I want that!  I want to live in that space where my life just keeps getting better and better!  By dismantling my old ideas, beliefs and habits, I can get to this space!

I can ask.

I have the capability to ask for help, service, and attention.  This is one of the concepts that sounds so incredibly simple that it is actually hard to comprehend.  Just ask.  Well, I must drop the ego-driven victim mentality that keeps me drowning in my own drama in order for this to happen.  There is no room for the entitlement that someone should just do this for me because I deserve it.  I cannot rely on the saga of poor pitiful me, no one cares, no one notices, no one thinks about me. 

Recently I heard a woman tell a story of how the first few dates with a new friend were wonderful and all of a sudden, it felt like he didn’t notice her anymore.  She complained that he did not take her to her favorite restaurant, or he didn’t know that she really wanted to stay at home and watch movies.  When questioned about how she let her friend know about these things,  her reply was “well, no!  I want him to just know these things!  I don’t want to have to tell him!”   

I realized how many times I have done this same exact thing!  How I want someone to just read my mind or just have this magical knowing of my secret desire.  Guess what?  It doesn’t work that way!  Princess movies may have provided a disservice here! 

One of the first principles I learned through my meditation practice of OM, Orgasmic Meditation, (http://onetaste.us/om-guide) was that YES is a perfectly acceptable answer and NO is a perfectly acceptable answer.  These answers can stand alone, no explanation and excuses required.  It has taken practice to be able to not only give these answers, but to accept them.  Receiving an answer that is simple and direct is actually a gift.  The answer is to the question or the offer, not to me or my precious ego. 

The result?  Ask!  One example over the last few months as I have travelled to Los Angeles for training for my own coaching certification (http://onetaste.us/coaching-program) is me learning how to handle my challenges around travel.  I am dismantling the idea that asking for help is a sign of weakness.  I want help getting to my flight when I leave and I am usually busy and scattered and excited and emotional.  My desire is for someone to pick me up and drop me off at the airport.  When I get off the plane, I want a friend to meet me, take my hand and my bag and tell me “welcome home, I got this!” I remember sending the text asking for this help and noticing the heat it generated in my body waiting for the answer.  The simple answer came as “yes” and I remember the wash of relief I felt knowing it was one less thing I had to handle.  And the amazement at how simple a request and an answer can be.

I have learned so many things about myself over the last 2 years.  The most beautiful part is that I am now  creating a life where this learning and growing can continue every day with every relationship in my life.  And, the most important relationship is the one I have with myself.  Designing my life with my awareness of sensation/feeling, of my attention when I slow down, of my desires, and of my search for exactly what I want. These building blocks are my tools for creating a better, more fulfilled, more turned on me!

Now…back to the routine.  I proudly want to share with you the ways I am changing the landscape of my life, with approval for all the ways I am learning:

• waking up naturally, rested and according to my body’s natural rhythm
• greeting a family member, roommate or partner with hugs
• eye gazing and chakra hugs as part of a daily tantra practice
• breakfast prepared and enjoyed with attention on family and nourishment
• checking in with a partner about the highlights of each other’s day
• making notes about desires for connection throughout the day.
• walking to my car with healthy lunch packed, organized work bag.
• schedule that allows a 30-minute window for traffic
• arriving in time to check in with breath work before meeting clients.
• learning to value time without digital connection, putting awareness on present
• scheduled time for meals and personal practices
• taking time to find my feminine energy and allow her space to grow
• choosing time to exercise, read and write each day.
• slowing down to prepare evening meals and enjoy while seated.
• rinsing with water as a ritual of cleansing before going to bed, with no LCD screen exposure at least 1 hour before bedtime that allows for 7-8 hours of sleep.

You can have these incredible changes, too!  Euphoria by Design is the support for finding awareness of your desires, dismantling the blocks to having the life you want and facilitating your journey towards a more full, euphoric life!