Imagine a quiet, leisurely afternoon nap and you’re drifting dreamily in and out of slumber. And you conjure up the scene that lingers in the back of your mind. It’s sexy, hot and you wonder if this could ever happen in real life.
Or you’re riding in the back of a car, staring off through the window. A memory of a very erotic scene emerges and you find yourself orchestrating a new event. You begin to add details through your imagination that you have never experienced and suddenly your body is coursing with electricity and the heat warms you from the inside out.
Fantasy is a brain job. Sexual fantasies are deeply personal. In fact, for many people, it is something that they may never share or speak. And, it is still normal. One of the top erotic fantasies is to imagine being with a different person. A study has shown that 46 percent of women and 42 percent of men think of someone else during sex. In fact, infidelity is one of the top erotic fantasies!
What happens if you would like to share a fantasy with a partner? Here are a few considerations for making this process more connected and successful!
Keep your attention on your own system first! What keeps you in the space of being turned on about the topic? When you feel good about the revelation, it is so much easier and way more fun!
Be attentive to your fantasies and get really intimate with them. Tune into your own body and notice how certain tales or thoughts make you feel. What creates an orgasm for you? What is great foreplay for you? The more familiar you are with your own erotic stories, the better you will be at sharing them.
Be familiar with your desire. Do you know what your brain tries to tell you if you think of desire, touch it with your imagination? Especially with sexual matters, desire is often shrouded in shame. We have adopted the belief that it is dirty, bad, embarrassing, ridiculous, etc. Are you able to drop in and look beyond the shame?
Once desire is clear and you can hold it in a positive affirming energy, what is the feeling you are seeking? Is this a place where you would like for a partner to be with you? Or is this a solo journey, something that you keep just for yourself?
Being connected with your partner is critical for the success of sharing and creating erotic fantasies together. The vulnerability of opening up and sharing a very intimate and personal idea creates more volatility. The bond between you and a partner will help you weather the new territory.
When you are communicating with a partner, use the great communication tool of “I” as in, “I have a dream of doing this thing together in this certain way.” When you speak as if it is someone else, it creates less intimacy and can feel unsteady.
Noticing your partner’s cues, body language and energy are a big step in intimate connections at any level. This includes many of the components of erotic intelligence! Being able to connect to another person with social cues, emotional openness and massive amounts of self awareness are all wrapped up in how we hold and communicate our eroticism.
Remembering that sharing a sexual fantasy with someone can be simple, yet, does not make it easy! Keeping it simple involves clarity and truth. It is a lot like making an offer and waiting for the answer which is essentially yes or no. If no is the answer, remembering that this a no to the offer and doesn’t mean that you are a bad person.
Part of the simplicity in communicating with couples is to try the “yes, and” answer. This is when you are a yes to something about the fantasy and you have something to add, subtract or adjust. This is basic negotiating skills for partners and can make something we feel apprehensive about approachable so that it can be explored together.
Remember! If you decide to share the fantasy or not, it is still the fuel for the erotic intelligence in the mind-body connection! Feel free to share your experiences of sharing fantasy with me via email: firstname.lastname@example.org@kimholden.com.