When we want things, we evaluate the money, time and resources in order to make a decision. Even if it is a personal desire, we choose to commit to the level of investing that we are ready and willing to give.
Yet when it comes to relationships, so many of us give it lip service and put it on a proverbial shelf. When communication gets difficult, connections start to wane, we take it off the shelf and take it somewhere to be fixed. This is how intimacy dies!
Can you imagine what would be possible if we took care in our relationships before the check engine light comes on?
Me, Me, Me!
This seems counterintuitive in the beginning, to put yourself first. I remember my first conversation with a coach. She looked at me and said, very matter-of-factly, “Kim, there is no white knight in shining armor.” That stung. Yet, it has stuck with me over the years, reminding me that I have agency for myself.
When I get down in the dumps, start feeling sorry for myself, see the glass as half empty, this is the reminder that pulls me back up. I have learned through this growth process, that loving myself is the first step to a loving relationship with others. Self Intimacy, means that I must listen to my own heart first!
Remember to Remember
One of the tools that I use is “remember to remember.” I keep this list of 5 things in my phone, easily accessible. This list is comprised of activities and places to which I can go, that remind me of who I am. This list can adjust or change at times. Mine stays fairly steady for now:
- live music; listening, moving, playing. This always lifts me up and puts me back into my body.
- playing in the dirt; aka gardening of any sort, pulling weeds, putting seeds into the ground, tilling, tending.
- physical intimacy; holding a baby, hugs, sex, massage.
- sharing a meal with someone, no electronics, conversation
- movement, preferrably one foot in front of the other in a rather quick fashion, aka running.
What would your Remember-to-Remember list include?
This one can be tricky! What do you desire in relationship that is not attached to a particular person? It requires a keen awareness of what you want to be doing, what makes you feel seen and heard, aka intimacy, and what brings you inner joy. Can you name your list of desires?
For example, I desire to be surprised at times with gifts. I desire to have a masculine energy that can stay with my roller coaster emotions. I also desire a partner with a strong sense of integrity. I like to be able to honor my role as mother first, at times. And, I love to be able to change my mind and the plans at the last minute!
So many times, I have clients share with me what they do NOT like in their relationship. Where the attention goes, energy flows! This always reminds me of telling a toddler to not throw the sand out of the sandbox. Of course, that is exactly what happens!
I remember complaining that my partner didn’t seem to be turned on about going out on dates with me. And that is exactly what I manifested! He would come home late, or fail to make reservations. Our Friday night date night became laborious and mundane.
A friend helped me by asking how could I be energized and excited about going out, regardless of how my partner showed up? She guided me to choose what I wanted to wear instead of trying to choose what he might like. I played my favorite music while I prepared, and took pictures of myself! I felt like a million bucks! I knew that I would enjoy my evening because of me! This was intimacy with myself!
And, guess what?! My date was smiling from ear to ear, kept his hand at my waist, offered kisses at every red light and skipped to open my car door! The shift was in me. I chose to be joyful, present, embodied. It really had nothing to do with the actual cute skirt, or the tasty wine. It was my energy and how I showed up.
Practice, Practice, Practice
Practice is required of anything we wish to grow and keep vibrant. Many times I have learned a new computer skill and couldn’t keep the skill because I didn’t use it often. I also have the knowledge of how to play the guitar that stands in the corner of the front room. But, because I do not choose the time to practice, I do not have the skill to enjoy playing.
Relationships are similar. Intimate connections, sacred unions, and skilled play all require practice. There has to be an investment of time, attention and energy to have the connection that we seek. If the relationship is tucked away under a safety blanket, the edges will get rough. Communication and understanding can become forced or awkward.
Intimacy, the ability to be seen and heard, is an ongoing and vital component of fully expressed, loving relationships. The investment comes in the form of little things that add up to bigger things.
- the practice of telling someone the truth, when it is easy as well as when it is uncomfortable, creates trust that the real you always shows up.
Even our sexual energy benefits and expands when we have a regular practice. It is no surprise that couples who put their sex lives on hold while life happens, find it challenging to resurrect.
Are you invested in the intimacy that you seek in your life? Do you show love to yourself first, as well as stay deeply aware of your desires? The biggest investment comes with a practice of relating.
This is one of the most rewarding parts of coaching to me! Being able to hold space for others as they find themselves, become aware of their own desire, and then designing a profile of investing in intimacy currency.
Reach out and schedule a time to chat!
#intimacy #relationships #desire