It has been just over three days.

I keep checking the chat thread, just in case, there is a clue, a new word, a hidden message.

The last words she shared with me are “Thank you Kim.  Love you.” 

My dear friend passed this world a few days ago, unexpectedly and suddenly.  I have felt so many different emotions over the few days, ranging from disbelief, denial, rage, anger, grief, sadness, even a peacefulness at times.  The emotions come quickly, grabbing at my throat, my eyes, my heart.  Sometimes, I move through the feelings with stillness. At times, I cry or sob.  Sometimes I scream.  And I also smile.  

I travel between wanting to be completely alone, to reaching out tentatively to very close family or friends.  I began to share my experience more openly today. 

There is evidence of my own growth here.  How I can take care of myself in such powerful, deep emotions and stay conscious.  In the past, I would have used running, wine or sleep to soothe the aching parts of me.  I also see that I am no longer the martyr, taking care of others before myself.  Transformational work continues to serve me well.  

We have been friends for over 18 years!  I am writing the memories as then come to me.  It feels important to honor her life in this way.  

I remember the first time we met, with young children playing outdoors in a pool, lots of women that I didn’t know, and she picked me.  She brought me in and talked with me, soothing me with her sweet smile and her intriguing accent!  We both had 3-year old daughters in the same preschool program.  

Our friendship grew over being moms, being wives, the joys, the challenges, the dreams.  All of these parts of us began to weave a friendship that would stand through divorces, illnesses, struggles, moves, joys and incredible transformative experiences!  We would regularly take time to have “tea” and share the latest in our lives.  

I remember the day her moving truck creeped out of the parking lot.  As we both wept, one from the vehicle, one in the empty parking space, we vowed to always stay in touch.  And we did.  Emails, messages, phone calls, visits over the next years of our lives!  Many of our messaging conversations would end with one of us saying “I love you to the moon!”  The other would reply with “and back!” 

This was one of those times, a visit. We hugged, we smiled with little tears of joy creeping into the corners of our eyes.  We enjoyed dinner and music and just as I drove away, she messaged me, saying “Thank you Kim.  Love you.”

I was the last person to see her.  Someone told me that must be the way it was planned.  That we would share such joy.  I believe these are some of the things she wanted me to know: 

• happy is a way of being; not doing, or having
• motherhood is a high honor 
• deep connection is about intention, not proximity
• above all else, be loving
• honor your own truth

I will miss you, my dear friend.  I will think of you with every cup of tea.  I will love your daughters as I would my own.  And I will always take the opportunity to say “I love you” to others.  

To the moon, my dear sweet friend.